The following was originally written in 2005 in my personal digital journal in response to a conversation I was having over dinner with a group of young like-minded professionals who lived in my apartment building at the time. It appeared in a different form in its original entry, directed more in regards to the wider spectrum of our conversation and with some direction aimed at persons at the dinner. What came from the entry was a letter of heart to myself, and all of its stirrings. I have held on to it with the intention of revising it and writing is as a "valentine" to myself. I began reading it again recently and decided to "finish" it and set it with a new heart and a mind. What follows is that "valentine" in its true form...
Enjoy and, as always, Love One Another.
-feelgoodguru
Enjoy and, as always, Love One Another.
-feelgoodguru
Masculine vs Feminine (Remixed + Revisited)
I am naturally androgynous and EASILY blur the gender lines. And yes, that extends 2 my mannerisms and the way that I speak. I am effeminate. I am 500% natural about it. I have always been this way and can't even think of how I would be if I were outwardly masculine; it wouldn't suit me. My feminine nature is the pre-dominate one yet this does not mean that I do not have a masculine nature as well. I am a human being, which means I am a being of balance. My masculine nature is one I know just as well as my feminine nature; he is quiet, contemplative, and analytical where my feminine is outgoing, willfully strong, assertive. Together they are conscious, thoughtful, caring, and wise.
In a social context where butch/fem roles play their part, the question (not one I ask of myself but one asked of me) is where do I fit in? What does my peculiar nature dictate where I stand in the social context? It has been asked of me because of my dual-nature, does it make me a fem with butch characteristics or a butch who is outwardly fem? Transgender (another topic entirely)? Am I a “gay dinosaur”, an extinct representation of the gay community of yesterday? Am I social freak, one that lives on the outer edges of society, outcast from the central core of the context or in a rock musical fantasy?
Having a strong feminine nature, I know it to be natural that I am attracted to masculine men. This comes about for me as an act of balance, in direct contrast to me physically, emotionally, socially, etc. It is not easy, especially currently where the socially acceptable way for a gay man to be is masculine/butch (affected or natural, face it men that is what our gay social structure is dictating to the population). I understand the desire to be with a masculine man in contrasting and comparative relationship pairings (because that is what I AM attracted to) and I understand the nature of an effeminate man (because that is what I AM). I feel that it is an inherent masculine/feminine balance that connects male homosexuals: the feel, look, shape, smell, etc of a man's body, his tactile and strong way of loving to his quiet yet deep way of emoting and how he nurtures himself and his world that is directly opposite to the female. Isn't that a bit of what defines us as homosexual men?
In direct contrast are our society’s negative feelings about feminine qualities in men. Could it just be that we have been, and continue to be, socialized to place a negative view on effeminacy? I think and feel this to be so. I think the male machismo kicks in and rises up this fear of a feminine man, saying that he is “less-than”, stating that he is not “man” enough. If it is so bad then why do women find the gay feminine archetype more acceptable! All of this negative socializing has to stop. We cannot continue to raise future generations with these beliefs. The more this happens, the more difficult it becomes for society to accept those that are different and, to ultimately, evolve into a higher consciousness, a better understanding of our collective Love.
Having a strong feminine nature, I know it to be natural that I am attracted to masculine men. This comes about for me as an act of balance, in direct contrast to me physically, emotionally, socially, etc. It is not easy, especially currently where the socially acceptable way for a gay man to be is masculine/butch (affected or natural, face it men that is what our gay social structure is dictating to the population). I understand the desire to be with a masculine man in contrasting and comparative relationship pairings (because that is what I AM attracted to) and I understand the nature of an effeminate man (because that is what I AM). I feel that it is an inherent masculine/feminine balance that connects male homosexuals: the feel, look, shape, smell, etc of a man's body, his tactile and strong way of loving to his quiet yet deep way of emoting and how he nurtures himself and his world that is directly opposite to the female. Isn't that a bit of what defines us as homosexual men?
In direct contrast are our society’s negative feelings about feminine qualities in men. Could it just be that we have been, and continue to be, socialized to place a negative view on effeminacy? I think and feel this to be so. I think the male machismo kicks in and rises up this fear of a feminine man, saying that he is “less-than”, stating that he is not “man” enough. If it is so bad then why do women find the gay feminine archetype more acceptable! All of this negative socializing has to stop. We cannot continue to raise future generations with these beliefs. The more this happens, the more difficult it becomes for society to accept those that are different and, to ultimately, evolve into a higher consciousness, a better understanding of our collective Love.
In my experiences in the gay dating circle, I have received the instant shutdown because of my effeminate nature. I see many examples of gay male couples and they are comprised of both masculine/”butch” guys. I often wonder how that pairing works: where is the masculine/feminine balance (or is it opposing examples)? Since I am not seeing these distinct markers, I surmise that they must be in place, perhaps just hidden from my view...? In the collective dating pool, why then is there such a quickness to tear down any possibility of connecting with a feminine man (oh, how I loathe the "no femmes" tagline)? I feel this may have stemmed from our early socialization and the factors placed then in how the gay community has come to accept them and how they view themselves. Our queerness dictates that we are unique; why don't we celebrate it instead of feeding it with negativity? How can we be a community when we don't even want to commune with each other? If these are to be the few (and only) choices in the gay community, then I am choosing to be a member of another community, one where the understanding of Self is more evolved and rooted in Equal and Unconditional Love.
I hear each and every day something about my effeminate self (mostly positive) from people I know and from people I don’t (at times). These positive remarks remind me that I am being honest and true to my Self first, and who I really am in this world and in my self, reminding me of my worth and value. As a balance, I hear on rare occasion something not so positive about my effeminate nature. I have grown to not let these non-positive remarks affect me and instead let them build my strength and inner resolve to continue to just be myself more and more.
I have always been and always will be exactly who I am: Me. Beautiful, attractive, androgynous, effeminate Me. I don’t see this to change into something else ever. Nor do I want it to; I have come to know and truly Love who I am, cultivating a Love that exceeds my own physical limits in this body. It permeates into the stratosphere, granting a welcoming touch to all of us, no matter the difference. It celebrates our individual uniqueness and admires the diversity. In truth, I may appear different but I am the same as anyone else: Human.
For the modern, evolved homosexual man that I choose to share my life with and whom I love, this understanding will be easy and clear. He will share the same qualities and ideas as I do. He will be a member of the Human community. Yes, he will be masculine in balance to my feminine but he and I will be the Same, we will be One. And isn’t that what Love really is? Yes, I know it and believe it to be so. This masculine, charming, loving man of mine, for you I am here and I can ensure this: you are in for a wonderful treat: Love.
-
